//Soul Filled With Sugar//

I accidentally began a 40-day sugar fast at the absolute worst, but yet best time.

The 40-Day Sugar Fast – Where Physical Detox Meets Spiritual Transformation by Wendy Speake is the book that began to turn the long-settled dredges of my soul. The build-up of untrue beliefs and un-addressed hurts grew like mold on the foundations of my personality.

Little did I know that beginning an innocent fast for my physical health would become a call for my soul. Now, if I eat peanut butter and find later it had 2 grams of sugar in it, I shrug because it’s not about that. When I have a craving, I challenge myself to stop and ask why. What I’ve discovered is that I often am already aware why. I feel something I don’t want to feel and oh, that chocolate is going in my mouth.

The day when my withdrawal was the worst, I talked with my advisor for the World Race for the first time. He informed me the next day was a fundraising hard deadline, but since I was just joining, he asked me if he thought I could raise the $3,500 in a week. I blinked for a moment and all the fears and doubts about my abilities to reach out to other and ask for partnership came to my soul. In an unhealthy response, I shut the emotion down. In an effort to think.

The rest of the day became a confused grasping for closeness to God. I was with people, but I felt nothing. I asked God, why do I feel nothing? What do I do here? I need you. I need you.

He gave me Himself through a dream that night. All my situations, at work, fundraising, this sugar fast, and so many soul hurts were raised out of me in this dream like poison out of a rotting wound.

He told me: I know your emotions more intimately than you. This is how you feel and I want you to come to me in these emotions.

Even though I woke with a chaos of emotion I smiled a moment later.

“He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Matthew 26:38 NLT

This struck me to the heart as I realized Jesus feels things as strongly as I do.

I confessed I felt alone in my emotions and He gave me this part of Matthew. I confessed I needed help working through my emotions. Just then, one of my best friends called me and prompted me to explain it. I talked through it and verbally, I was challenged to saying some of these lies I often believe aloud, rendering them powerless as I laughed at the ridiculousness of some of the things I said.

How can I raise all this money? I am trying so hard to say yes to every opportunity He prompts me to, but I am still unsettled. I need to do more. I need to do this.

No. I need to do this. Stop striving. Just say yes and stop striving.

This person in my life is treating me so disrespectfully and I think she has something against me but I just met her. What did I do? Is my personality disrupting the vibe that she wants around? How should I change my behavior?

Look at me. Look through me. Hold tight to my safety.

Turns out that situation with that person was huge misunderstanding that God revealed that day.

This sugar fast wasn’t an accident. These struggles aren’t an accident. God has a mission and I will peacefully say yes through the eyes of Adonai.

I am struggling with commitment to this specific route knowing that there is another option if the deadline isn’t met. I have no safety net. If I commit to relationships with my (crazy on fire) squad and miss the deadline, there is pain and disappointment. But I’m learning that no time is wasted, no closeness is not worth it. I don’t have to protect myself because I am already protected and supported. God’s mission is to win people. I get to be part of that whether I’m on this route or not. I am focusing on His mission as I see His call for the October launch and committing my excitement and I hold it loosely and reaffirm the purpose.